Being held

Suddenly you wake up one day and the pain is not nearly as bad as it was the day before. You take a breath and realize that healing has begun. At least, that is how is was for me. You take one day at a time, being careful not to neglect the living in your grief, and you find that you can laugh again, and not feel guilty. You keep on living. That's where I was, keeping on keeping on, as the saying goes. It was easier for me in some ways, not very long after our miscarriage we sold our house and moved into an apartment short term, and then moved to a new state all together. Fresh start. New spaces, new memories.
Through all of this I should mention that we noted that our son, the love of our lives, had a speech delay. His doctors kept saying, we'll look at it again when he's two. And at two, they said lets have it assessed if he hasn't caught up by 2 1/2. Well, those of you that know me, know that I wasn't planning on waiting that long, but we did wait until we moved to Florida. I was moving along in my feelings of healing, we were once again trying to expand our family. And waiting for the appointment with the developmental pediatrician. And then I thought it happened. I was so convinced that I was pregnant again. Maybe it was the complete emotional build up or just hormones, but I was again crushed, when I realized that it wasn't true. And then I realized my heart might be healing, but there was still a hole in my spiritual self. But it was a Sunday. And it was a Sunday that we decided to try a new church. And the message was for me. From the songs that started the worship services, to the words and bible verses used to support the message, it was for me. It was God speaking, Jesus wrapping his arms around me, and the Holy Spirit filling the church, no the holes in me, truly being the salve to my broken soul. In the next week I read Job and this verse just resonated with how I was feeling before that church service: "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest but only turmoil" Job 3:26. But during that service His peace found me, and surrounded me. It whispered for me to be still and wait. That it is His timing, not mine. This was the song we were singing in church, that broke through the final walls to heal my pain. I'm not a very emotional person in public, but I could not stop (nor did I really try to) the tears from streaming down my face as I just soaked in the presence of God.

Holy Spirit
by Bryan and Katie Torwalt

There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
Nothing can compare
You're our Living Hope
Your Presence

I've tasted and I've seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone

Your presence Lord

Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord

Your presence Lord

There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
You are our Living Hope

Your presence Lord

I've tasted and I've seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart is set free
And my shame is undone

Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
(Repeat)

(end)
Let us become more aware of Your presence
Let us experience the glory of Your goodness
(Repeat)

Lord
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord



I still had this feeling of peace when my husband and I took our son to his developmental pediatric appointment. His doctor is a very nice man, but he said the words that no parent wants to hear. He decided to diagnosis Uriah with Autism. And my first thought was "ok Lord what next? How much pain does one person have to go through in a short period of time?" rationally this was my thought process, but it never got to my spirit. His peace continued to flow through me and around me. I continued to have no panic no pain. Just that same peace of being held.