Overcoming Struggles

  I've been struggling. For months and months, not the whole month, but every month when I realize that I'm not pregnant. I've been struggling with this since the miscarriage. It is a little bit crazy. I mean, my son was given a life altering diagnosis in August and I was immediately filled with His peace about it. But trusting in God's plan regarding expanding my family? I've had a really hard time letting go. And I recognized it. So about 2 weeks ago my husband and I decided to do a modified fast. I felt like I needed to draw closer and find some direction in this floundering call life that I've found myself in. And wouldn't you know that about four days in, I so very clearly heard an answer, well it was a question, but it was in the form of an answer (I'll get to it I promise--and then it will make sense--hopefully).    
  Uriah and I were snuggling on the couch, I was trying to get him to fall back asleep (he was napping in the car for 20 minutes and woke up when I brought him in the house). He wanted nothing to do with sleep, however, he was very much into snuggling and playing with me while lying face to face. I don't even remember what game we were playing, but his eyes were filled with such happiness, and he was giggling, and as clearly as if He was standing in the room with me, I heard it. "Isn't this enough? Aren't I enough?"
  And I mean wow. That made me stop in my tracks. Because in a very real and tangible way, Uriah is enough. My heart is full, my days are for sure, and even though I have this driving need/feeling that I want my family to be bigger, my life is full of blessings. And I lost sight of that over the last 10 months.
  But, I still needed that to saturate in my head for a while. Then on Sunday we went to church (haven't been in a long time, Christmas traveling and illnesses kept us away). Which was awesome. And yet again, the message spoke directly to me. Our pastor spoke about living from a life of abundance instead of living from a life of not enough. He used King Saul (a life not enough) and Jonathan (a life of abundance) as examples.
  He also told this store about monkeys and monkey trappers (can't remember where this store took place, but somewhere tropical). But the trappers carved a small hole in a container, and then stuffed it full of yummy things that monkeys like to eat. The monkeys would stick their hands into the container and grab the food. Then when they pulled it back out with their hands tightly grasping the food, they would be stuck. The whole was too small, but they refused to let go of the food. Then pastor asked us what we were holding onto so tight that we were trapped. He said fill in the blank.
  I'm going to: CONTROL.

And how insulting that is to my Father, who is in control of all things. I know this. In my head and in my heart, but my oh my, how hard it is to live that truth. Who am I to think that I can do anything better the God of all things.

And my oh my, do I ever need help. And thank goodness that Our Father says I don't have to be good enough, because Jesus was good enough, and He took care of it for me.

I just need to work on letting go. And I'm working on it. Today I had another negative pregnancy test. And I wasn't filled with sorrow or regret, or stress, thinking about what we can do next month. I was just filled with Peace. Thank you heavenly Father for giving Your peace and Your grace to this ever struggling sinner.

And, just because I love it and we sang it on Sunday, I'm adding song lyrics to help us all remember all around us is the testament to God's glory and for me His plan. I just need to remember to open my eyes, and realize that His plan is all around me, my story has already been told. And if you get a chance, look this up on youtube and listen to it, the lyrics are great but the music is AWE-inspiring.

Phil Wickham
You're Beautiful lyrics

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, You're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful (x2) 

I see Your face, 
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, 
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, 
I see Your face

I see Your face, 
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/phil_wickham/