I've been struggling. For months and months, not the whole month, but every month when I realize that I'm not pregnant. I've been struggling with this since the miscarriage. It is a little bit crazy. I mean, my son was given a life altering diagnosis in August and I was immediately filled with His peace about it. But trusting in God's plan regarding expanding my family? I've had a really hard time letting go. And I recognized it. So about 2 weeks ago my husband and I decided to do a modified fast. I felt like I needed to draw closer and find some direction in this floundering call life that I've found myself in. And wouldn't you know that about four days in, I so very clearly heard an answer, well it was a question, but it was in the form of an answer (I'll get to it I promise--and then it will make sense--hopefully).
Uriah and I were snuggling on the couch, I was trying to get him to fall back asleep (he was napping in the car for 20 minutes and woke up when I brought him in the house). He wanted nothing to do with sleep, however, he was very much into snuggling and playing with me while lying face to face. I don't even remember what game we were playing, but his eyes were filled with such happiness, and he was giggling, and as clearly as if He was standing in the room with me, I heard it. "Isn't this enough? Aren't I enough?"
And I mean wow. That made me stop in my tracks. Because in a very real and tangible way, Uriah is enough. My heart is full, my days are for sure, and even though I have this driving need/feeling that I want my family to be bigger, my life is full of blessings. And I lost sight of that over the last 10 months.
But, I still needed that to saturate in my head for a while. Then on Sunday we went to church (haven't been in a long time, Christmas traveling and illnesses kept us away). Which was awesome. And yet again, the message spoke directly to me. Our pastor spoke about living from a life of abundance instead of living from a life of not enough. He used King Saul (a life not enough) and Jonathan (a life of abundance) as examples.
He also told this store about monkeys and monkey trappers (can't remember where this store took place, but somewhere tropical). But the trappers carved a small hole in a container, and then stuffed it full of yummy things that monkeys like to eat. The monkeys would stick their hands into the container and grab the food. Then when they pulled it back out with their hands tightly grasping the food, they would be stuck. The whole was too small, but they refused to let go of the food. Then pastor asked us what we were holding onto so tight that we were trapped. He said fill in the blank.
I'm going to: CONTROL.
And how insulting that is to my Father, who is in control of all things. I know this. In my head and in my heart, but my oh my, how hard it is to live that truth. Who am I to think that I can do anything better the God of all things.
And my oh my, do I ever need help. And thank goodness that Our Father says I don't have to be good enough, because Jesus was good enough, and He took care of it for me.
I just need to work on letting go. And I'm working on it. Today I had another negative pregnancy test. And I wasn't filled with sorrow or regret, or stress, thinking about what we can do next month. I was just filled with Peace. Thank you heavenly Father for giving Your peace and Your grace to this ever struggling sinner.
And, just because I love it and we sang it on Sunday, I'm adding song lyrics to help us all remember all around us is the testament to God's glory and for me His plan. I just need to remember to open my eyes, and realize that His plan is all around me, my story has already been told. And if you get a chance, look this up on youtube and listen to it, the lyrics are great but the music is AWE-inspiring.
Phil Wickham
You're Beautiful lyrics
I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful
I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful (x2)
I see Your face,
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face,
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face,
I see Your face
I see Your face,
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/phil_wickham/
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Seeking Him
It's been a hard couple of weeks. Jeff's grandmother passed away completely unexpectedly. It was a sad and very busy time for our family. It's hard to find joy and thankfulness in the pain and darkness that come with unexpected pain-but is pain easier if you are prepared for it? If we are honest, I'd think probably not. In my last post I was talking about the book I was reading: 1000 gifts, it is amazing that as I keep picking up that book to read in quiet moments, how our situations are seeming to mirror each other--not specifically in events, but more the feelings that different events emote. The last couple of chapters that I read spoke of finding thankfulness during the hard times...you know them, not just the times that you suffer significant loss, but also the times where your head is pounding, much like the drum that your two year old insists on playing, regardless of all of the quiet activities that you offer, and the dogs leaving "presents" when they have been house trained for years. How do you find God then?
I think that is my challenge. Finding God when the little things are going wrong. I find that its pretty easy to offer platitudes to myself and others when the big things are going wrong, but that's probably partially how I was raised--so it becomes more natural for me--to turn to God when things are good, and when they are really really wrong. But why don't I turn to God always? This is my new challenge to myself. I'm going to do the 1000 gifts list--it all started when she got an email asking her to make a list of 1000 things she is thankful for. Yep. I'm going to do it--and pray that it continues to make turning to God and always thing, and not just a platitude thing.
It was there, in the verse I posted before. It's worth posting again. So pardon my redundancy. I think I was focusing on the first two verses
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (11). Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you (12)
which is all fine and dandy, and beautiful and filled with hope. But I think it is the 13th verse that I needed to hear, and listen to, focus on, and pray about:
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (13).
Wow. If I'm truly 1000% honest with myself, I can say these words, with certainty, shame, and an overwhelming sadness. I have not been seeking Him with all my heart. I know that I will never get there, because I'm human, and I'm going to sin. But I need to try harder. So I'm going to try harder because I want a true relationship with the living God. I want to experience all the joy that He wants me to--even in times of pain.
I think that is my challenge. Finding God when the little things are going wrong. I find that its pretty easy to offer platitudes to myself and others when the big things are going wrong, but that's probably partially how I was raised--so it becomes more natural for me--to turn to God when things are good, and when they are really really wrong. But why don't I turn to God always? This is my new challenge to myself. I'm going to do the 1000 gifts list--it all started when she got an email asking her to make a list of 1000 things she is thankful for. Yep. I'm going to do it--and pray that it continues to make turning to God and always thing, and not just a platitude thing.
It was there, in the verse I posted before. It's worth posting again. So pardon my redundancy. I think I was focusing on the first two verses
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (11). Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you (12)
which is all fine and dandy, and beautiful and filled with hope. But I think it is the 13th verse that I needed to hear, and listen to, focus on, and pray about:
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (13).
Wow. If I'm truly 1000% honest with myself, I can say these words, with certainty, shame, and an overwhelming sadness. I have not been seeking Him with all my heart. I know that I will never get there, because I'm human, and I'm going to sin. But I need to try harder. So I'm going to try harder because I want a true relationship with the living God. I want to experience all the joy that He wants me to--even in times of pain.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Euchristeo
It amazes me how God give you what you need, sometimes before you know you need it, sometimes right as you need it. My mom has been an instrument in getting me what I needed recently, and she probably doesn't even know it. After my second post she asked if I was reading my cousin's blog. I didn't realize she had one, so I went over and read it, and goodness me. We are struggling with a lot of the same issues. And we've grown apart over the last 15 years. And now, we're growing closer together, even though we are miles and miles apart. We've decided to be accountability partners, and boy do I need it. I need help to continue in my spiritual growth and who better to help support me then family? I guess I'm also holding myself accountable to spiritual growth by making all of this public. I'm trying to be faithful. I believe that as crazy as it might sound, that God wants (wanted) me to write those posts. Specifically the earlier ones.
Anyway, we've written goals for spiritual and physical health since we've both come to realize how interconnected they are. It is hard to feel good when you are lagging spiritually, and it is hard to feel bad when your blessed with a personal relationship with the living God. One of my goals revolves around reading, studying and being quiet with God. And that's another place where my mom comes in. She gave me this wonderful book that I started to read today. It is called "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp. And it is just what I needed to read. Right when I needed to read it. If I read it a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have been ready to hear the message. I wouldn't have been ready to take up the challenge--accept her dare. Now I'm only a couple of chapters in, but what a story this woman has.
She wrote about this bible verse and it has totally and completely resonated with me.
1 Corinthians 2:7
We declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began.
it goes on in verse 9 to say:
"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for hose who love him (vs 10) these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
And isn't that what I have been feeling in church? That it isn't my time, my wants, but His. His plan. I CANNOT CONCEIVE what He has in store for me, for my son, for my future Children. But what he has already revealed, by His spirit.
In her book she also discusses the Eucharist. She takes it back to the greek Euchristeo, and breaks the meaning of the word into grace (Charis), thanksgiving (Euchristeo) and joy (Chara). What she is saying is that with thanksgiving we are given grace and find joy. And then I read this profound statement. I was so profound to me that I typed it into my phone's memo list because I couldn't find pen or paper.
"Euchristeo (thanksgiving) always precedes the miracles"
Wow. I was given peace. I am always continuing to be thankful, and I get to experience joy. And I'm going to keep working on being thankful, for everything that I have, even if it is the pain and the heartache that this world has delivered to my door. And I'm going to wait to see the miracle.
Anyway, we've written goals for spiritual and physical health since we've both come to realize how interconnected they are. It is hard to feel good when you are lagging spiritually, and it is hard to feel bad when your blessed with a personal relationship with the living God. One of my goals revolves around reading, studying and being quiet with God. And that's another place where my mom comes in. She gave me this wonderful book that I started to read today. It is called "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp. And it is just what I needed to read. Right when I needed to read it. If I read it a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have been ready to hear the message. I wouldn't have been ready to take up the challenge--accept her dare. Now I'm only a couple of chapters in, but what a story this woman has.
She wrote about this bible verse and it has totally and completely resonated with me.
1 Corinthians 2:7
We declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began.
it goes on in verse 9 to say:
"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for hose who love him (vs 10) these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
And isn't that what I have been feeling in church? That it isn't my time, my wants, but His. His plan. I CANNOT CONCEIVE what He has in store for me, for my son, for my future Children. But what he has already revealed, by His spirit.
In her book she also discusses the Eucharist. She takes it back to the greek Euchristeo, and breaks the meaning of the word into grace (Charis), thanksgiving (Euchristeo) and joy (Chara). What she is saying is that with thanksgiving we are given grace and find joy. And then I read this profound statement. I was so profound to me that I typed it into my phone's memo list because I couldn't find pen or paper.
"Euchristeo (thanksgiving) always precedes the miracles"
Wow. I was given peace. I am always continuing to be thankful, and I get to experience joy. And I'm going to keep working on being thankful, for everything that I have, even if it is the pain and the heartache that this world has delivered to my door. And I'm going to wait to see the miracle.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Promises
So we left off with Uriah having autism and I have peace. The next several weeks at church, the message just continued to speak directly to my heart. And it maintained my peace. And I feel like God was offering healing for Uriah. So I've claimed it. My son will have future not defined by his diagnosis. I also felt that God was continuing to offer healing for me, and my continued desire for our family to grow. He said "my time" but in some way shape or form, I am also claiming this promise for myself. I will keep you guys updated on how these promises continue to be fulfilled, especially now that I've claimed them publicly. My friend sent me this lovely verse shortly after Uriah was diagnosed with autism and it was something that I needed to hear (well read)--and isn't it amazing how God does that? He provides words written thousands of years ago that are still relevant, a method of exposing them to you when you need them most, and opening your eyes/ears/heart for the message to find a home. Anyway, I am kind of digressing so here are the verses.
Jeremiah 29:11-14
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
And so the promise that I've claimed for Uriah? Uriah started to show progress before any interventions were started. He started playing pretend play and pointing at object of interest (both were considered deficits that helped lead to the autism diagnosis) and he started to talk more. Not at the level of a normal two year old, but he was vocalizing, and that was amazing to hear since his verbal delay was what took us to the specialist to begin with. And then we added therapists into the mix. And the speech therapist said something else wonderful to hear--that she wasn't sure if Uriah had Autism, but she was sure that he had verbal apraxia--a speech disorder--but a treatable speech disorder. And now he is signing to assist in his non verbal communication skills. And bless his little heart, he is trying to talk and to say the right words, they just don't always come out right. We have since also taken him to an allergist who specializes in working with people with autism (it is amazing how a little tiny allergy can affect a persons ability to develop normally) and he thought that Uriah probably isn't autistic. Great. I mean WHOO HOOO great! He sees kids all the time that are, so one more movement in the right direction. Then today my little man had an early intervention evaluation. I was excited about this one, because it is a group of specialist (in our case an occupational therapist, a speech therapist and an early developmental specialist). Now we already have a diagnosis, so we automatically qualify for this program and the support it offers us, but the news we heard today made my heart sing. Uriah's test scores were too high, and if we only had the referral and not the diagnosis, HE WOULD NOT QUALIFY FOR ASSISTANCE. My God is a faithful God. And His promises are true. I know that Uriah still has an autism diagnosis, but I have hope for his future, that he will thrive, and succeed and that God has an amazing plan for his life, and this is part of the process. He is shaping the lump of clay.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Being held
Suddenly you wake up one day and the pain is not nearly as bad as it was the day before. You take a breath and realize that healing has begun. At least, that is how is was for me. You take one day at a time, being careful not to neglect the living in your grief, and you find that you can laugh again, and not feel guilty. You keep on living. That's where I was, keeping on keeping on, as the saying goes. It was easier for me in some ways, not very long after our miscarriage we sold our house and moved into an apartment short term, and then moved to a new state all together. Fresh start. New spaces, new memories.
Through all of this I should mention that we noted that our son, the love of our lives, had a speech delay. His doctors kept saying, we'll look at it again when he's two. And at two, they said lets have it assessed if he hasn't caught up by 2 1/2. Well, those of you that know me, know that I wasn't planning on waiting that long, but we did wait until we moved to Florida. I was moving along in my feelings of healing, we were once again trying to expand our family. And waiting for the appointment with the developmental pediatrician. And then I thought it happened. I was so convinced that I was pregnant again. Maybe it was the complete emotional build up or just hormones, but I was again crushed, when I realized that it wasn't true. And then I realized my heart might be healing, but there was still a hole in my spiritual self. But it was a Sunday. And it was a Sunday that we decided to try a new church. And the message was for me. From the songs that started the worship services, to the words and bible verses used to support the message, it was for me. It was God speaking, Jesus wrapping his arms around me, and the Holy Spirit filling the church, no the holes in me, truly being the salve to my broken soul. In the next week I read Job and this verse just resonated with how I was feeling before that church service: "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest but only turmoil" Job 3:26. But during that service His peace found me, and surrounded me. It whispered for me to be still and wait. That it is His timing, not mine. This was the song we were singing in church, that broke through the final walls to heal my pain. I'm not a very emotional person in public, but I could not stop (nor did I really try to) the tears from streaming down my face as I just soaked in the presence of God.
Holy Spirit
by Bryan and Katie Torwalt
There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
Nothing can compare
You're our Living Hope
Your Presence
I've tasted and I've seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone
Your presence Lord
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
Your presence Lord
There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
You are our Living Hope
Your presence Lord
I've tasted and I've seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart is set free
And my shame is undone
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
(Repeat)
(end)
Let us become more aware of Your presence
Let us experience the glory of Your goodness
(Repeat)
Lord
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
I still had this feeling of peace when my husband and I took our son to his developmental pediatric appointment. His doctor is a very nice man, but he said the words that no parent wants to hear. He decided to diagnosis Uriah with Autism. And my first thought was "ok Lord what next? How much pain does one person have to go through in a short period of time?" rationally this was my thought process, but it never got to my spirit. His peace continued to flow through me and around me. I continued to have no panic no pain. Just that same peace of being held.
Through all of this I should mention that we noted that our son, the love of our lives, had a speech delay. His doctors kept saying, we'll look at it again when he's two. And at two, they said lets have it assessed if he hasn't caught up by 2 1/2. Well, those of you that know me, know that I wasn't planning on waiting that long, but we did wait until we moved to Florida. I was moving along in my feelings of healing, we were once again trying to expand our family. And waiting for the appointment with the developmental pediatrician. And then I thought it happened. I was so convinced that I was pregnant again. Maybe it was the complete emotional build up or just hormones, but I was again crushed, when I realized that it wasn't true. And then I realized my heart might be healing, but there was still a hole in my spiritual self. But it was a Sunday. And it was a Sunday that we decided to try a new church. And the message was for me. From the songs that started the worship services, to the words and bible verses used to support the message, it was for me. It was God speaking, Jesus wrapping his arms around me, and the Holy Spirit filling the church, no the holes in me, truly being the salve to my broken soul. In the next week I read Job and this verse just resonated with how I was feeling before that church service: "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest but only turmoil" Job 3:26. But during that service His peace found me, and surrounded me. It whispered for me to be still and wait. That it is His timing, not mine. This was the song we were singing in church, that broke through the final walls to heal my pain. I'm not a very emotional person in public, but I could not stop (nor did I really try to) the tears from streaming down my face as I just soaked in the presence of God.
Holy Spirit
by Bryan and Katie Torwalt
There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
Nothing can compare
You're our Living Hope
Your Presence
I've tasted and I've seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone
Your presence Lord
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
Your presence Lord
There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
You are our Living Hope
Your presence Lord
I've tasted and I've seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart is set free
And my shame is undone
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
(Repeat)
(end)
Let us become more aware of Your presence
Let us experience the glory of Your goodness
(Repeat)
Lord
Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord
I still had this feeling of peace when my husband and I took our son to his developmental pediatric appointment. His doctor is a very nice man, but he said the words that no parent wants to hear. He decided to diagnosis Uriah with Autism. And my first thought was "ok Lord what next? How much pain does one person have to go through in a short period of time?" rationally this was my thought process, but it never got to my spirit. His peace continued to flow through me and around me. I continued to have no panic no pain. Just that same peace of being held.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Brought to my Knees
Wow. This is neat. And scary. And I'm going to do it. I decided that I am supposed to share my story, my journey over the last few months. For people to know that they are not alone--that there are others who are struggling, but more over, how I've found and experienced the peace that is offered to me, offered to us all. Some of you reading this know all about my story. Some of you know parts of it, and some of you might not know any of it at all.
It started in January 2012. New year, new hopes. I found out that I was pregnant, and it was beautiful news for us to hear. We wanted to expand our family so badly. We went to our first appointment at 8 weeks, and we again heard a beautiful noise. A heart beat. then another heart beat. You can imagine our surprise and delight. We were having twins. I will interject here, that this was less of a surprise to me. I had been having dreams for weeks before I was pregnant that I was going to have twins. They were identical, a spontaneous gift from God. My heart and my stomach grew. Three weeks later in March I went to see my new doctor. And it was the exact opposite experience for us. During the ultrasound there was only silence. Heart breaking, drop me to my knees silence. I heard words and phrases thrown at me like "non-viable," "better this early then later in the pregnancy." I was devastated and depressed. I sobbed and slept for the rest of the day. A week came and went and it was time for the procedure. I again had a weepy and sleepy day. And in one moment of almost being awake but still being asleep, I had a dream. It was a dream of my wonderful grandmother with whom I had a very close relationship, and of a teacher of mine in high school, with whom I was also very close. And they were sitting in rocking chairs. And each of them had a baby in her arms. And my grandma looked at me in my dream and said "we've got them." And I found just a little bit of peace (I have tears streaming down my face in recounting this).
I also found a lot of peace with my son's laughter. It's hard to crawl into a hole of depression when you have an almost two year old giggling and playing with his daddy. He has always been a blessing to me, but I felt it even more acutely during this time. We also felt sure that God had a plan. That we could not explain it, or understand it, and it didn't take away the pain, but I had to believe that there was a reason. Don't get me wrong, I had some anger. Some moments where I wanted to tear my clothes and shake my fists at God. I will also be honest, I was upset enough, that I did not delve into the Word for comfort at first, but I did find a lot of comfort in Christian music. It seemed that every time I turned on the radio I was hearing songs that spoke directly into my heart. Kind of like a nudge from Jesus, saying you might not be turning to me completely for comfort but I am going to show you that I am here anyway. Every Falling Tear (an album that I downloaded and listened to on the car ride home from my D&C) by Matt Hammitt, and Mercy Me "The hurt and the healer" there were others but those are what I remember off of the top of my head. And then I found this verse and it helped give me comfort...Psalms 56:8. It talks about God catching all of your tears in a bottle and recording them in His book. And it reminded me that I was being held and that I was not alone in my pain or my sorrow...and it was the start of my journey to peace that can only be given by the One who created all, and it started from my knees.
It started in January 2012. New year, new hopes. I found out that I was pregnant, and it was beautiful news for us to hear. We wanted to expand our family so badly. We went to our first appointment at 8 weeks, and we again heard a beautiful noise. A heart beat. then another heart beat. You can imagine our surprise and delight. We were having twins. I will interject here, that this was less of a surprise to me. I had been having dreams for weeks before I was pregnant that I was going to have twins. They were identical, a spontaneous gift from God. My heart and my stomach grew. Three weeks later in March I went to see my new doctor. And it was the exact opposite experience for us. During the ultrasound there was only silence. Heart breaking, drop me to my knees silence. I heard words and phrases thrown at me like "non-viable," "better this early then later in the pregnancy." I was devastated and depressed. I sobbed and slept for the rest of the day. A week came and went and it was time for the procedure. I again had a weepy and sleepy day. And in one moment of almost being awake but still being asleep, I had a dream. It was a dream of my wonderful grandmother with whom I had a very close relationship, and of a teacher of mine in high school, with whom I was also very close. And they were sitting in rocking chairs. And each of them had a baby in her arms. And my grandma looked at me in my dream and said "we've got them." And I found just a little bit of peace (I have tears streaming down my face in recounting this).
I also found a lot of peace with my son's laughter. It's hard to crawl into a hole of depression when you have an almost two year old giggling and playing with his daddy. He has always been a blessing to me, but I felt it even more acutely during this time. We also felt sure that God had a plan. That we could not explain it, or understand it, and it didn't take away the pain, but I had to believe that there was a reason. Don't get me wrong, I had some anger. Some moments where I wanted to tear my clothes and shake my fists at God. I will also be honest, I was upset enough, that I did not delve into the Word for comfort at first, but I did find a lot of comfort in Christian music. It seemed that every time I turned on the radio I was hearing songs that spoke directly into my heart. Kind of like a nudge from Jesus, saying you might not be turning to me completely for comfort but I am going to show you that I am here anyway. Every Falling Tear (an album that I downloaded and listened to on the car ride home from my D&C) by Matt Hammitt, and Mercy Me "The hurt and the healer" there were others but those are what I remember off of the top of my head. And then I found this verse and it helped give me comfort...Psalms 56:8. It talks about God catching all of your tears in a bottle and recording them in His book. And it reminded me that I was being held and that I was not alone in my pain or my sorrow...and it was the start of my journey to peace that can only be given by the One who created all, and it started from my knees.
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